Foibles to Keep Me on My Toes

If you know me at all you know that I am always planning disaster in order to feel prepared/in control. I even try to plan when I won't be in control, so I can at least be in control of my loss of control. I think this started when I was 6 or 7 and I would stay up waiting for my Mom to come home from a night out. I would watch all the cars coming down the street and plan out the ways she could die. That way she wouldn't die, because what are the chances I would think of the way she would die on the very night it happened, right?


One of my new favorite songs has these lyrics: " I am a woman who worries about closet space, and someday I'll be dead. I have a strong imagination. I let it wander where it will."


So last week I was faced with a situation.


Thaddeus.





He had somehow managed to get his legs into the sleeves of his upside down, backwards, winter jacket. One leg was through his seat belt, and the seat belt went partway down the sleeve. He could neither straighten his legs, stand up, nor pull the sleeves off his legs. It was not a pretty sight.



Objectively this is not too big a deal.

My brain perceived the scene this way; EMERGENCY. TRAPPED. CAR.. DEATH SOON. GET HIM OUT.



In my raving panic I grabbed a ballpoint pen and started to hack my way through his coat. You have no idea the power of a scared mother. You have no idea the incredulous looks from sane children as their mother works on saving the life of someone in no danger at all.


HACK HACK TEAR RIP.


I couldn't do it. The zipper was too much. Also, a small voice in my head was starting to question the necessity of my extreme action. I left him there. I failed. If we had been falling into a lake I would not have saved him. Since we were only stopping at the construction site, it wasn't too bad. But in my reptilian brain I had definitely failed.


While we were inside, Thaddeus walked in. No jacket.


"Mom. You wrecked my coat."


uh. yeah. but I was trying to save you life. Forget it. I'm sorry. I'll fix the coat.


One of my morning prayers says to Jesus "I know you are with me in every emergency of my life, especially in the emergency of my death."


At this point I don't think I'll perceive my death as an emergency. Blessed rest and utter surrender. Until then I'll continue planning and preparing and saving the lives of hapless Eddyblouins everywhere!
And someday I'll be dead.